


So, Your Family's Trying To Kill Me

by robinlikeitshot



Series: Surprise! [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, Sequel, basically kon getting the shovel talk, from the entire batfam, i cant believe i continued this, poor kon, this is trash move on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2020-12-17 13:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21055451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinlikeitshot/pseuds/robinlikeitshot
Summary: "So, you thought you could get engaged to one Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, andnotend up with the entire Batfamily on your ass?"Kon dropped his head on the table and mumbled from beneath his arms. "Maaybe?"Cassie laughed and hung up on him.





	1. Robin

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who decided to take a crack-fic and turn it into a three part series?:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First up, Damian Wayne  
Enjoy:)

Surprisingly, the first person to try and jump him is Robin. 

Kon's just arrived at the Titan's Tower, unfortunately(for him) not expecting to be attacked by a miniature-assassin-demon-baby. Within seconds, he's flat on the floor of the communal living room, a worryingly green dagger pressing into his throat.

"What are your intentions with Drake?" The boy demands, straddling him with a righteous expression on his face.

"What the fuck, Damian"

"You heard me, clone," Damian shouts imperiously from his perch(haha). "You have become his betrothed. I do not understand why. Drake does not exist in the realm of your usual... preferences. What is the purpose behind such an engagement?"

His explanation only serves to make Kon more confused. "Umm, love?"

Damian apparently thinks that Kon is screwing with him, as he proceeds to handcuff him to the fucking floor. Kon did not know they had handcuffs in the floor specifically designed for Kryptonians, and will most definitely bring this up in the next team meeting, assuming that he gets out of this alive.

Which now seems like a hope getting further and further away, as Damian starts pacing in front of him. "Cease patronizing me, clone. Love is for peasants. I have compiled data in a graphical format to explain the irregularities-"

"Quit it, Demon Bat, Jon's already told me about you two," Kon says with a huff, tugging at the restraints. "You send him _ letters, _ brat. _ Love letters. _ I'd be almost worried if they weren't so sickeningly sweet."

Damian's mouth opens and closes like a gaping human being, before snarling "You have no proof, you cow-odored plebeian."

"You have a cow too Damian."

"Perhaps, but I do not smell like one. If Drake marries _ you _ , Grandmother would be rolling in her grave. This union will dishonor our family." He stares at him with betrayed eyes as he stuffs the chart theorizing on Why they would Get Married into his pocket. "You would bring _ dishonor _ upon _ Batcow _?" Kon's pretty sure this is a trick question.

"Umm, cologne isn't really that expensive?" he tries weakly. This was thankfully the right(or wrong, depending on how you look at it) answer, as Damian nodded as if he understood.

"Aah, so you are marrying Drake for his fortune. Now, this I can understand." He ignores Kon's spluttering denial as he brushes off his tunic. "Why did you not explain so when I first entreated you? Well, anyhow I must be going. I am doubtlessly correct in assuming that you are busy as well in preparation for the wedding, no?"

"Uh, Damian, we're just nineteen, we're not going to get married right away-"

Damian, again, chooses to selectively ignore the last part of his sentence. "A bit late, perhaps, but nonetheless, I expect to be sent the date at a minimum of eight weeks prior. Mother will wish to send gifts."

Kon wants to bring to attention the fact that 'gifts' from the al Ghul family usually tend to the more lethal side of well-thought-out presents, but Damian's already left the room with a swish of his cape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing inspiration has hit me out of nowhere and i wanted to get this up before starting on the wedding fic, and im working on a couple others that i hope will be up soon. hope you like it:)


	2. Black Bat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I think she goes by orphan or something now, but honestly this is crack and i dont want to put too much research into it so black bat it is)  
rewrote this one a couple of times, but i hope u enjoy:)

Kon’s not really surprised when he wakes up tied to a chair in a dark basement(helpfully lined with lead), which he supposes isn’t necessarily healthy.

Cass nudges him with a stick. “Why not scared?” she asked mournfully.

He looks at her with resignation. “Oh no, the great Black Bat. I feel terrified. Whatever shall I do?”

She backflips over him, so he can better see her displeased, ‘_give me what I want or else’ _ pout. It might have been scary, but like. They’ve _ dated_, which makes him practically immune to her (surprisingly endearing)Titus impersonation.

He sighs as the kryptonite-enforced rope chafed at his wrists. “Cass, you already did this once when Tim and I started dating. I’m pretty sure this is the same chair, its third leg is literally duct-taped together. The secret hatch is over in the left corner, and the password is just ‘SpoilerIsPretTy’ with the second T capitalized.”

“You’re no fun. Be better prisoner.” This is punctuated with another poke.

“Wait, you’re just doing this because- what?" he asks incredulously. "You thought it would be funny to tie me up and threaten me?” 

“Was funny first time.”

“Listen Cass, I’ve got a date in like twenty minutes-”

“Yes. Double date.”

“... ohhh.”

She nodded her head sympathetically. 

“They're going to blow the place up again, aren’t they.”

“83% yes. Dami made chart.”

“Fuck me.”

She shook her head. “Tim’s job now.” Cass burst out laughing at her own joke(and Kon’s face)

“Twenty minutes.” She then proceeded to climb over the back of his chair(Bat-Tape™ was the only thing holding them up-both literally and metaphorically), and show him candid pictures of Damian playing with Alfred(theCat). The sad part is that he’s already seen them before, but having been sworn to secrecy by the original photographer(under _ very _ persuasive circumstances), he has to sit there and take it.

It’s actually kind of cute, he thinks absently. In his room in Wayne Manor, Damian feels an inexplicable urge to stab someone. He wonders where it came from, before pulling his sketchbook closer in order that he might better capture the way the light falls over BatCow's hoof(the wedding card _ must _ be perfect, in order that he might one-up Drake, of course).

Kon prepares himself for half an hour of pure concentrated cuteness before Tim and Steph arrive, after which he’ll probably have to go stop yet another national emergency.

Cass pats his hand sympathetically, before continuing to flip through the album.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bat-Tape™ is also the only thing holding me up tbh  
next one will probs be up in a few days, thx for reading:)


	3. Red Hood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or when an attempted murder turns into an impromptu therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon is not something that is a thing in this thing  
...and with that wonderful explanation,  
Enjoy:)

Kon doesn’t even hesitate when he walks into his room to see Jason Todd casually leaning against the window. Just closes the door, walks over to his desk, and doesn’t even attempt to initiate a staring contest because _ Bats _. 

“I think you already know why I’m here.” Red Hood says, voice filtering through his helmet ominously. Personally, Kon thinks it makes him look like a knock-off Deadpool(at least, that’s what Tim thinks, and Kon’s learned to trust his boyfriend on these kinds of things).

He then clicks the safety off the gun he’s holding in his hand, managing to do it in a way that makes him look like a complete asshole. 

“Shoot me.”

He faltered. “Um, what?” He appeared confused. Some part of Kon laughed, while the rest begged for this to be over.

“You came over to kill me, judging by the kryptonite bullets. I suggest we take it outside, it’ll make clean-up easier on Ma.”

And that’s how Kon ends up on top of the roof with a Gotham vigilante pointing a gun at him, and he’s got a _ calculus _ test tomorrow, the least the guy could do is put a bullet through him.

But no, because apparently crime lords have a conscious now. “So, you proposed to Red?”

“I thought that fact had already been established when you held me at gunpoint?”

“Tim’s too young to get married!” he began_ pacing _. Kon really hoped he slipped on the cow manure from the last time Jon had decided to play around with his TTK without supervision.

He, unfortunately, did not. “He’s only- well, I’m not entirely sure how old he is, but not enough to get married to someone he’s only known for six years!”

“He literally spends his nights beating up criminals and taking down international supervillains in nothing but extra-strong spandex”

Jason’s making frantic hand-gestures that would have been funny if it was not two a.m. Kon’s pretty sure that Tim has cameras up here, so they could hopefully look back on this memory with warmth on the ten percent chance that he didn’t die “That’s not-”

“Didn’t you try to kill him at one point, too?” Kon realizes.

“Well, yeah, but that was _ ages _ ago. And, anyway, we’re over it.”

“So now you’re just killing his chance at love?”

“Exactl- Wait, no.” He squinted suspiciously at Kon as if he was waiting for his hair to fall out and turn into a megalomaniacal evil billionaire genius. 

“In the end, it’s his decision, isn’t it? To decide when and who to get married to?”

“I guess…”

Kon couldn’t believe he was actually doing this. It was almost like getting engaged had turned him into a semi-mature person. “Then you have to let him make his own choices. And he, a legal adult, chose to get engaged to his best friend, someone who’s been with him since he was thirteen. As his family, you should support him.”

Jason stilled, face set in a frown, “But I just-”

“Jason, it’ll be hard, but you have to learn to let him go. He’s grown up now, you have to trust him.”

“You’re...you’re probably right,” he admitted, shoulders slumping. “I guess sometimes I just think that I’m trying to overcompensate for trying to kill him when we were younger. And I feel like even though he’s already forgiven me for it, I’m still trying to earn it by being a better brother.”

“Then be a better brother, and respect his decision. Don’t fight him on who he loves, and he’ll trust you more. And Jason, Tim has always loved you, you were his Robin, you know.”

“I-I was?”

“Yeah. So be that better brother, his Robin, and tell him that you’ll have his back no matter what happens.” he finishes strongly.

Jason nods, seemingly on autopilot as he pulls the helmet on again. “Yes. No matter what.”

They do a bro hug before Jason jumps off the roof, disappearing into the darkness as is the ways of the Bats. 

It’s only once Kon’s back in his room, getting ready for bed that he realizes that he just parented the fucking _ Red Hood. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know how Emotion got in here


	4. Nightwing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he’d gotten the text from the former Titan to come over, he had assumed there would be some threatening going on, hopefully with minimal torture. Right now, he’s pretty sure that having to sit here and listen to Nightwing’s blubbering is probably a form of torture in itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contrary to popular opinion, i dont actually know what im doing

This is probably going to be the worst one, Kon thinks as he leans back in his chair. He could technically leave, there are no restraints holding him in place (for once), but Tim'd probably be mad if he left his brother like this. This, being an uncontrollable sobbing mess.

When he’d gotten the text from the former Titan, he had assumed there would be some threatening going on, with hopefully minimal torture. Right now, he’s pretty sure that having to sit here and listen to Nightwing’s blubbering is probably a form of torture in itself.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me? I’m- i’m his brother, he’s supposed to- Four years! Four-”

Kon sighs. This had been going on for far longer than he’d expected, and it’s starting to grate on his nerves a bit. He’s still not sure how Tim was ever able to put up with a sad Dick Grayson without giving over everything to the kicked puppy eyes. He makes a mental note to add to the ‘The Supposed Powers of Tim Drake’ list Bart and Cassie have going.

“Did you think that it might have been because he predicted that you guys would have reacted like this?”

Dick pauses in his sniffling to squint at him suspiciously. “Like what, Connor? Like we just found out that our little brother has been keeping a big part of his life secret from us for years only to come out when he ties the knot?”

“Well, -”

He’s cut off by Dick wailing again. To be honest, it does sound kind of bad, so he supposes he should try his best to cheer the man up.

“You know, I’m pretty sure Tim’s thinking about making you his man of honor,” he says.

Dick shuts up so fast he almost gets whiplash. “Really?”

“Well, yeah, Steph’s probably going to be the best woman, so-”

Dick bursts into tears again. Kon sighs for what feels like the twentieth time this week. There are times(read: right now) when he wishes he could get drunk. It would at least make dealing with his fiance’s insane family a hell of a lot easier.

Aaand, now he’s clinging. Kon takes back every single time he teased Tim over getting fussy about Nightwing’s Octopus Hold™, because _ holy fuck._

“Uh, Dick, do you need me to call someone?” he asks, slightly concerned over the pterodactyl screeching noises coming from somewhere around his midsection. “If you let me go for a second-”

Dick’s hold on him tightens as his speech turns a bit more comprehensible, enough that Kon can make out words like _ no _ and _ new little brother _ and _ planning _. 

Kon doesn’t think he’s ever felt more terrified in his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: the big bad bat


	5. Batman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nananananana-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notice how steph isnt in here?or barbara(hint:its cause im lazy and also trash)  
im rlly bad at gala scenes can u tell  
also, a one am update and un-edited so, uh, have fun :)

Kon knows what’s coming. He’s not an idiot (no matter what  _ some people _ seem to think). 

Robin, Black Bat, Red Hood, and Nightwing have all seen (read:threatened) him over the past week, and they’ve all been leading up to this, this man, this myth, standing in front of him with a smile that should probably be illegal.

When Clark approached him about the gala, something about giving him an ‘opportunity’ to write an article on a Wayne charity ball in Gotham, and normally he would stop the convo right there, but he,  _ they’ve _ been trying to repair their complicated relationship, and Kon knows that the man doesn’t actually got much time off between Supermanning and his job at the Daily Planet. So he agrees.

Not to mention Lex has also been getting on his ass about making more public appearances as Kon Luthor (part of the deal they made when the man agreed to give up his... extracurricular activities in exchange for relationship and some non-evil-purposes research on his anatomy).

In retrospect, it was definitely a shit decision, judging by the way Batman’s currently clamped his hand on Kon’s shoulder, the other loosely clutching a half-empty glass of champagne.

His eyes have that sort of far-away look, but Kon would bet his cow that the man isn’t actually drunk because the way he’s squeezing his shoulder would probably leave bruises on a non-meta.

“So chum, what brings you to Gotham?” That voice should not be allowed to come out of Batman’s mouth.

“Uh, Lex wanted me to make an appearance, and Clark asked me to cover one of his pieces, so…” He makes an abortive hand-gesture that he’s probably going to get scolded for later, but that’s honestly the least of his problems.

Batman’s smile grows even bigger at the mention of Luthor. “Oh yeah! I almost forgot you aren’t just Kent’s cousin anymore! So how’s the whole ‘Luthor’s kid’ working out for you, chum?”

If it weren’t for the fact that Kon could see a lead-lined box in the pocket of the man’s pocket, his heart would have warmed at the obvious concern. As it is, he just smiles, “Good, Mr. Wayne. I mean, the penthouse’s pretty sweet.”

He laughs and flashes a grin at a nearby camera, and proceeds to be blinded for the next 0.624 seconds (wether by the flash or Brucie’s teeth? -The world may never know), through which he does his level best to uphold the ‘Luthor charm’. 

This is slightly hindered when the crowd outside the building multiplies, all trying to get a photo of Brucie and his new son-in-law.

Batman leads him inside the building, iron grip not letting up. 

“Call me Bruce, chum.” There was no way in hell he was calling him Bruce.

A group of business people crowd around them, congratulations for the engagement spilling from their lips, when an old lady with an extremely heavy-looking diamond around her neck taps his elbow (which is how high she comes up to).

He leans down a bit, but the woman has a surprisingly loud voice (rip superhearing) as she asks politely, “Did you get that beautiful engagement ring I saw on young Mr. Timothy’s finger custom made, Mr. Luthor? I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.”

“It uh. Actually it originally belonged to my grandmother, Mrs. Fayrwell.” (Lex had made him memorize the damn guest list in preparation for going solo at one of these things).

Batman hears this. Batman is not happy(honestly, when is he ever). Kon knows this because the grip on his shoulder tightens enough that Batman’s status as a non-meta might just be in danger.

He offers the woman a charming, albeit a bit tight, smile, before turning back to Batman. This proves unnecessary, as the Caped Crusader drags him over to one of the snack tables (he’s pretty sure there’s another, fancier name for it, but he doesn’t pay as much attention to Lex’s high-society classes as he should) where the crowd is sparser.

Kon’s just glad that there are still people (read: witnesses) around. Why? Because Batman’s smile says Brucie, but his eyes scream murder. He suppresses as shudder.

“Ma Kent’s ring is the one you proposed to Tim with?” His voice is low and gravelly, not as deep as Batman’s, but certainly not akin to Brucie’s happy-go-lucky, rich playboy accent. It’s probably the Bruce’s voice that he’s hearing.

“Umm, yeah-”

“So she knew about the engagement.” Now,  _ this _ Batman he’s familiar with. And he’s not sure if he should relax or call for back-up.

“Yes, but-”

The man now grasps his shoulder almost desperately, a haunted look in his eyes.

“Clark knew.” he whispers, betrayed.

Kon isn’t Tim. Kon can’t lie to Batman’s fucking face like his boyfriend does on a semi-regular basis (read:too much to be good for one’s health). What he’s trying to say, is that he totally caves.

The first thing to come out of his mouth is- “I’m sorry?”

Batman’s mouth opens once, closes, opens again before snapping close. Kon would make a joke about it, if, you know, a)he wanted a specialty kryptonite batarang (Tim had warned him about those) down his throat, or b) if Batman hadn’t already left.

One second he’d been there and the next? Gone. Kon had gotten too used to Bats to be fazed by any of their dramatic bullshit anymore, but he’d also learned that they were extremely paranoid about other people having more information than them.

He quickly pulls out his phone from his designer (read:monkey) suit’s pockets, stares at it guiltily for a moment, before pressing ‘Call’.

He hadn’t wanted to interrupt date-night, but he reminds himself that it’s for the good of humanity(and the sanity of Smallville). 

Clark picks up on the fourth ring. “Kon?” he sounds confused. He should be. Life is Confusing.

“Kansas, we have a problem.” The line goes staticky, then dead.

Kon sighs, calling over a passing waiter. He needs a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a thing for dadlex can u tell  
next up: the most terrifying person in the whole batfam


	6. Alfred Pennyworth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kon’s 83% sure he’s dreaming, because there is absolutely no plausible explanation for what he’s seeing right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so one more chapter to go before i post the last ridiculous piece of this triology. I dont know how it got this long. eh  
Enjoy:)

Kon’s 83% sure he’s dreaming, because there is absolutely no plausible explanation for what he’s seeing right now.

Alfred smiles at him, getting up to give a little bow before sitting back down at the tea-table. Lex takes a dainty sip from his teacup.

“Do come and join us, Connor. Mr. Pennyworth is quite a busy man, it would not be courteous to make him wait all day.” Mercy pulls out a chair.

“D-dad?”

“Yes, son?”

He blinks. Sits down. 

When Lex had called him earlier today, he’d been cautiously optimistic. Best case scenario, they’d do some father-son bonding(they’d been getting better at it lately), worst case Kon’d have to stop him trying to take over the world again. So basically a regular Tuesday.

But he’d never be prepared for Lex Luthor and Alfred Pennyworth politely conversing over tea, passing around what seemed to be  _ color swatches. _

“Your father and I were just going over a few wedding details,” the man explained, not making his confusion lessen by any degree. “We were hoping to complete the proposal in a few days, in order that you and Master Timothy may make the final cut as soon as is possible.”

**Kon.exe has left the chat. ** Hey, at least the confusion was gone, because there was no way he didn’t understand what was happening now.

Shock had set in, effectively cutting off his voice so he just sat there gaping. Lex glared at him, but he couldn’t really do anything about it at this point.

The two men continue to talk with each other, seemingly content to leave him in his silence. It’s only when they begin talking of dates that Kon finds his tongue(and it was in his mouth all along).

“Does Tim know about this?”

Alfred gave him one of those polite smiles, eyes glittering in a way that let Kon know that he had made  _ sure _ Tim wouldn’t interfere. He gulped.

“We will of course be involving Master Timothy in the later proceedings, however, he is currently… occupied.”

Kon is kind of scared for Tim. 

Lex gets up, giving a short bow. “Unfortunately, I have a meeting in which my attendance is absolutely compulsory in about five minutes. I am sure that Connor will be able to help you in my stead, Mr. Pennyworth.”

He shoots panicked glances at him, but Lex ignores him, walking out, Mercy at his heels, leaving Kon alone with Alfred.

He glanced up to see the man watching him with critically assessing eyes. Death would be a welcome alternative to the conversation that was about to take place, Kon knew.

“I admit, I was not all that surprised upon finding out that Master Timothy had engaged himself,” he began.

“Really?” he asks incredulously, before proceeding to mentally slap himself for interrupting the man. 

Alfred pauses for a moment, allowing him to simmer in his disgrace before continuing. “I realized it at the time of your death, Master Connor. Master Timothy had never seemed so disheartened, not even after the passing of his father. It was almost as if he had no purpose, Master Bruce and the Robin mantle being the only thing holding him together. Well, Master Bruce disappeared, and I am sure you were told about the passing of the title.”

Kon suddenly feels shitty for a whole ‘nother reason. “Anyhow, when you came back, something inside Master Tim changed, almost tangibly. I was assured of your union at that time, and, given all that you two had gone through, I doubted it would end up elsewhere.’

He reaches across to touch Kon’s shoulder. “I am happy for Master Timothy. He deserves all the joy the world has to offer, and you seem like a good lad for him, Master Kon. Welcome to the family.”

Kon may be crying. He’s not sure. 

“Th-thanks?”

Alfred gives him a grandfatherly-like smile. Kon scrambles to get up as he does, politely showing him to the door. The man clasps his shoulder.

“I will see you next week for the dinner rehearsal, of course.” It’s not a question. Kon nods. He doesn’t know what else to do.

“Good man. Your suit will be prepared upon your arrival. Master Timothy will, I am sure, inform you of the up-coming dates.”

He nods again. Why is he nodding? Why is he-

Alfred smiles at him one last time, bidding him farewell(??!) before leaving via the elevator that Kon himself had walked through just half an hour before. Now he stood there, a changed man.

It was then that Kon’s brain started catching up to him.  _ He was getting married in a week.  _ Oh shi-

His phone dinged. He quickly pulled it out of his pocket, staring at the text on the screen.

{Redbirb: What the fuck did you just do} 

This was accompanied by a picture of Alfred and Dick conversing, the latter almost bouncing on his feet. They were surrounded by bouquets of flowers and bundles of suspiciously white cloth.

{Cloneboy: I am so so sorry}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh, a little bit more fluff than i intended, but oh well


	7. Surprise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra covered her ears at Dick’s inhuman shriek. Alfred handed her a pair of headphones. She nodded her thanks as Dick continued to have a meltdown in the face of Instagram’s user-friendly web face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive had the outline for this sitting in my folders for like a month but finally Inspiration has come to me so here u go:)  
on another note, stephs back! so uh- enjoy?  
warning for family fluff, and lots of dialouge and this is also unedited?? idk its like oneam rn-also tim and kon dont actually show up in this ch, and yes i did change the pov ok thank u bye

“An incident has occurred.” 

Bruce was standing at the front of the living room, commanding everyone’s attention with his dark, broody stare. The only way to tell that he was distressed was the small, almost imperceptible twitch in his right eye that had developed through continued exposure to his children.

Damian opened his mouth to inquire as to what had happened, but instead let out a screech as Jason fell from the ceiling.

“Todd! Get off me, you buffoon!” Jason ruffled his hair and got up, only to gracelessly flop on the couch next to the boy.

“So, why does Dad’s Eye Twitch™ look like it’s contracted arthritis?” He joked, eliciting a laugh from Steph. “ Wait, don’t tell me-”

Dick slapped a hand over his younger brother’s mouth. “Don’t. Jinx. Us.” He grit out, looking pained. Jason smiled. It was a Bad Smile.

But before Jason could start to use his uncanny intuition for Evil Purposes, Bruce held up his hand. Dick gasped, before swooning like a Victorian milkmaid finding out that the stableboy she had been having unseemly relations with was actually a prince who had sought after her as a means to achieve a semblance of normality in his exhaustingly extravagant life.

It was not Batman’s abnormally soft hands that had caused this prolonged and completely unnecessary metaphor to be employed, no. It was the picture on the screen he held between his Bat-Fingers.

Cassandra covered her ears at Dick’s inhuman shriek. Alfred handed her a pair of headphones. She nodded her thanks as Dick continued to have a meltdown in the face of Instagram’s user-friendly web face.

Damian snatched the phone out of his father’s (really soft??) hand, gaping at the image. It was not a cinematic masterpiece, no, yet there was an aesthetic of general joyousness around it, with the way Drake was pressing his lips to the Clone’s cheek, laughter evident in his eyes. A large rainbow banner hangs from behind them, with the words, _ Just Married _ , scrawled on it. It was followed by a number sign, preceding a series of letters, words, he assumed, although devoid of any spaces. After a moment of puzzlement, he was able to discern the generic phrases ‘ _ marriedinParis’ _ and ‘ _ dreamcometrue.’ _ So they had been wed in France. Nice.

He silently handed the phone to Steph, who secretly high-fived Jason out of view of the others. However, in a family full of detectives, not a secret is left unveiled, and no action goes unseen by the eyes of the Bat (despite the actual animal’s rather bad eyesight).

“You two knew.” This is said with all the Bat-Anger one could muster while still being dressed in custom-made Batman silk pajamas. It is a surprising amount, and the two offenders looked at each other before booking it.

They didn’t get far, Jason being tackled by Dick’s slightly-less-loving-than-usual arms, and Steph being tripped by Damian and landing on her Face (a tragedy).

“Ok, fine! We helped cover their escape.” She admitted, before pointing at Cass. “But she helped too! Glare at her, she’s the only one who can actually take it.”

Bruce frowned at the notion of ever equipping his Bat-glare at his favorite (daughter? Nope). He then smiled at her, earning a toothy grin in return. He preened, before turning his attention back to the restrained criminals, formerly known as his son and not-daughter.

“This picture was taken yesterday. Where are they now?” he demanded.

“We don’t know.”

“We’ll never tell you!”

They both said at the same time. They looked at each other, then back at Batman’s triumphant expression as he started _pacing. _

“I will find them. I can get Barbara on this, she can cross-reference the facial scanners in western Europe-”

Dick had already pulled out his phone, sending hysterical voicemails to his little, _ married _ brother, pitch escalating every time the dial tone beeped. Before he could click on Oracle’s contact, though, Alfred spoke up.

“Master Bruce, if it not be impertinent for me to say so, I do believe you are behaving absolutely ridiculously,” he scolded. Bruce immediately felt ashamed, yet he could not fathom why.

“Alfie, how can you say that! You went through so much planning and work for their wedding, and they’ve gone and just- just- eloped!” Dick cried out.

Alfred looked at him. He shut up. The man turned back towards his son.

“Master Jason and Miss Stephanie acted in the way they did-” (steph’s eye twitched at cass’s disclusion)“-because they realized that Master Tim was unhappy with the way events were unfolding. We have, in every sense of the word, taken what was, in essence, their union and made it ours. This was wrong, and Master Tim, the wonderful lad he is, realized that the only way to keep it theirs would be to get married before the date of the wedding. A truly ingenious scheme,” he mused. “It reminds me of my own youth…”

Jason was about to comment on that last line, because what, but Damian beat him to the punch. “Pennyworth is correct. Father, I did not tell you this, but when I was interrogating him as per the ancient custom of welcoming one to one’s family, the Clone informed me that they had no intention of solidifying their union till a few years. I ignored him when he made the ridiculous notion, but now I realize that I was… incorrect in doing so. I conclude that perhaps we should have asked the two, no matter their incompetence, what they desired for their marriage than just planning it by ourselves.”

Cass patted him on the head approvingly as Steph gaped at his sudden emotional capacity.

“I suppose you’re right, Alfred,” Bruce admitted. “And I may have gone a bit far in exposing him to Brucie. It was wrong of me.”

Alfred smiled at him. “We have all made mistakes, but now the only thing we can do is make it up to the couple. When they get back from their honeymoon, I am sure we will all be ready to apologize to them. And Master Jason, Miss Stephanie, Miss Cassandra, I would like to thank you for helping them in this endeavor.”

Steph mouthed outrage at Cass being included _ now. _Damian squiggled over to Dick to receive his Reward Hug for emoting. He was not, however, prepared for an overly emotional Jason(long monologues just make him tearup,ok) to join, followed by an overly enthusiastic Stephanie, dragging Cass behind her, who’s pleading look forced Bruce to reluctantly join as well.

Alfred smiled at the colony(haha), before passing his grandson a tissue. He did not expect to be tugged into the group hug as well, but was not any less pleased for it.

Dick looked warmly at his gathered family, content in that while it may not be a wedding, at least his family was happy, and his little brother, going by the smirk in that picture, was probably getting laid.

Alfred’s next words, though, caused Dick’s grin to quadruple in size, his evil-mastermind-love-brain start working faster than it had in the whole week of wedding planning.

“And do not fret over the wedding plans, Master Dick. They will certainly not be going to waste.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the characters were super hard to keep track of so if i fucked up pls tell me  
the last installment of this series will be up in a few days, so stay tuned i guess


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